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It was the week after Thanksgiving and a number of the
people I saw in the counseling room had turned their
thoughts toward the Christmas season. For many it was
not a time of anticipation. It was a holiday that they
dreaded.
Brad and Susan always had the family over to their
home for Christmas Eve dinner. A nice event but each
year Uncle Billy showed up late and drunk. He left
even drunker although they served no alcohol to him.
Uncle Billy hated Christmas more that the
"pre-transformed Grinch" and he tried to bring
everyone down to his level. What could they do to get
through this Christmas?
Mary was a mother of two small boys. Her husband had
been killed two months earlier in a freak auto
accident. Christmas was going to be very different and
difficult for this family. What could they do to get
through this Christmas?
Tom and Barbara were new to Oklahoma. They were in
their late forties and had two teenagers at home. They
had moved from the east coast in the summer. This
Christmas they could not go home and none of the
family was going to be able to make the trip west.
What could they do to get through this Christmas?
With each family, we decided to use a problem solving
model that we teach in "Marriage Works". It is called
"The Three P's".
The first "P" is Problem Discussion. This is a
critical step as you listen to each other to see how
you view the problem. It is a time to understand the
other person's point of view and to come to an
agreement on what the problem really is.
The second "P" is Prayer. Together you bring the
problem before the Lord and ask for His wisdom and
guidance as you seek a healthy solution. You can pray
out loud or silently. One may pray and the other
agree. The important thing is to pray.
The final "P" is Problem Solution. The first step is
agenda setting. Choose the issue and the time you will
meet to solve it. The second step is brainstorming.
Put all ideas out and write them down on a piece of
paper. All ideas are OK. Next comes agreement and
compromise. In this step you work through the ideas
you have come up with and try out different
combinations. Then choose a specific solution keeping
in mind what is important to each of you. The final
step is to follow up on the attempted solution. Did it
work and are you both pleased with the results?
The "Three P's" gives a format that can be applied to
any situation. Brad and Susan decided through this
process to communicate some predetermined boundaries
to Uncle Billy before Christmas Eve. He was invited
but would only be allowed to come if he respected the
boundaries. Mary sought the help of her best friend as
she worked through the process. She decided to begin
some new traditions this year and to set aside a
special time on Christmas Day to look through old
pictures with the boys and talk about Dad. Tom and
Barbara found three other families who were also new
to the area and had no family for Christmas. Together
they all helped serve Christmas Dinner at a local
shelter and then had a Christmas celebration later in
the day.
If you have a "problem" that is hanging over you head
and seems to be clouding up your Christmas, set aside
some time and do a little problem solving. It can
bring the joy back in your Christmas.
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