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Anger can be one of the most destructive elements
within any relationship but especially within the
marriage relationship. I have seen anger cause
physical and emotional scars. When anger gets out of
control and escalates it can be very intimidating and
very frightening. Scripture tells us to "be angry and
not sin". This means that anger is a God given emotion
just like happiness, sadness, or fear. The key is how
we react to our anger. When someone offends me and I
am angered, I have a choice as to how I will respond.
If I strike the person, I have sinned and broken a law
as well. If, on the other hand, I let the person know
I am upset and ask if we can talk it through, I have
not sinned and have begun the process of
reconciliation. It is inevitable that we will get
angry. Anger handled in a healthy way can strengthen a
relationship, while anger handled in an unhealthy way
can destroy a relationship.
Lets look at some tools that can help when conflict
arises within a marriage. These tools can help draw
couples closer together and achieve resolution of
conflict. The first tool is using a "time-out". A
"time-out" in a marriage relationship is the same as a
time-out in a football game. Action is stopped and
time is taken to regroup. As in football, either side
(husband or wife) can call the time-out. When it is
called both sides have agreed ahead that they will not
argue, but simply comply. Then the couple can decide
when to come back together and readdress the issue. It
seems to work best if the person calling the time-out
is also the one to set the time to come back together.
During the time-out each partner has time to pray,
rethink the issue, and calm down. Time-outs are great
to use when the conversation is escalating or the
situation is getting out of control.
The second tool is the process of reflective
listening. Reflective listening is a communication
tool that focuses on the listening process. For
example, if the wife is upset because her husband
never takes her out to dinner she can say something
like, "I would like us to talk about going out to
dinner each week as a couple." The husband then shows
that he was listening to her and may respond with
something like this, "I heard you say that you want us
to discuss going out to dinner each week. That must be
something that is important to you." In this case the
husband listened well. He focused on and repeated what
was said and gave a good response. The wife had
expressed herself in an assertive positive manner as
opposed to a negative aggressive manner. Both used "I"
statements instead of "you" statements. "I" statements
tend to dispense useful information. "You" statements
tend to make the other person defensive. For example,
if the wife had said "You never take me out. You just
do not care about me." The husband might have felt
angry or defensive or both. "I" statements can move a
couple to resolution. "You" statements can cause the
conversation to spiral out of control. A good way to
practice reflective listening is for each person to
make a list of three things they would like to see
happen in their marriage. One partner would go first
and with an "I" statement expressing the first item on
their list. The other partner would then use an "I"
statement and reflective listening to show that they
understood what was said. The couple would dialogue
back and forth until there was understanding of the
statement or wish expressed. The other partner would
then express the first item on their list and so on
till both have covered their lists. Often, listening
and understanding the other person's perspective,
point of view, or wishes solves the problem.
The final tool that we will look at is a model for
solving a problem. The "time-out" skill puts us in a
position to come back together and use reflective
listening to understand each other. If the problem
still exists we can then utilize the following
problem-solving model. Let me give you a few bullet
points that make the process easier.
" Agree on a time to talk that works for each of you.
Make sure it is a time that will be free from
distractions.
" Identify the problem. Make sure that you are both on
the same page.
" Brainstorm different solutions. Be creative and have
fun with this part.
" Pick a solution to try that you can both agree on.
If you cannot agree on a solution go back to
reflective listening and then brainstorm again.
" Decide what each person's responsibility will be in
carrying out the solution.
" Set a time for reevaluation of the solution. This
will vary depending upon the issue.
" Reward yourselves as a couple for your success.
Anger can destroy a relationship. Most couples
struggle because they do not know how to handle
conflict. One of the best gifts a couple can give each
other is to take the time to get comfortable with
these three tools. It will give them a way to approach
problems, to communicate with understanding, and to
find agreed upon solutions. Unresolved conflicts will
pull a couple apart. Resolving conflicts will draw a
couple closer together. Invest the time. The rewards
will be immeasurable.
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