Scientific
research now tells us that the structure of the human brain
can change up to the age of twenty-one or twenty-two.
Previous research told us that brain structure change could
occur until the age of five or six and later research said
until adolescence. We have known for a long time that the
way a child is nurtured affects the nature of the biological
makeup of the brain. We know that the brain develops
and modifies itself in response to experience. So, what does
this have to do with parenting and communicating with our
kids? Simply this. A baby comes into this world with its
brain partially formed and it is up to us as parents to help
complete the job. Science now says that structure follows
function. In other words, the actual structure of the
brain follows the nurturing relationship that you have with
your child. The affect that we as parents can have on our
children is incredible and we now know that we have a long
period of time during which this influence makes a
difference. Our role is to develop and maintain a
relationship with our children where they will receive the
nurturing that we have to give them.
It has long been said that rules without relationship equals
rebellion. If we are going to have the impact on our
children that God wants us to have, we need to lay the
foundation of a strong relationship. Let's look at five
principles that will help our children to respond and grow
instead of rebelling and turning away.
Affirmation This means letting our children know that
their feelings are okay. It is empathizing with them.
It is walking a mile in their shoes. It is letting them know
that their feelings are normal and we understand. Romans
12:15 says, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with
those who mourn." There are few things more
harmful in a relationship than discounting someone's
feelings. Our feelings are given to us by God to allow us to
respond to life. Our feelings are not good or bad.
They serve as our barometer.
Acceptance This means accepting our children for who they
are. This gives them a sense of security. This is
exactly how God treats us. He does not say clean up your act
before you come to Me, rather He says come to Me as you are.
The prodigal son came home in shambles and his father
greeted him with outstretched arms. We live in a performance
based society. Our kids need to know that we accept
them just for who they are, not for what they have done or
not done.
Appreciation This gives our children a sense of
significance. Matthew 3:17 says, "This is my Son,
whom I love; with Him I am well pleased". Our children
need to hear our praise. It is easy for us to get in
the pattern of always correcting our kids and catching them
doing "wrong" things. We need to turn that
around and catch our kids doing something right and then
praising them for it. Find at least one thing each day to
praise your children about.
Affection This gives them a sense that they are
lovable. We love them by affirming their feelings, accepting
them as they are, sharing words of appreciation, and giving
them appropriate verbal and physical affection. We
were created to love and be loved. Our children need the
affection of their parents.
Availability This tells our children that they
are important to us. It says that you have time for
them. Someone has said that love with our children is
spelled T-I-M-E. There is no shortcut here. It is both
quantity and quality. It is sharing in their world and
teaching them about your world. It is an investment
that will bring a lifetime of dividends.
There you have it. These are five principles that will lay a
foundation for communicating with your child at every
developmental stage. You can learn all kinds of great
communication techniques, but if your children do not hear
you they are to no avail. The principles are not always easy
to carry out, but through prayer and a dependence on the
Holy Spirit, a healthy, nurturing, loving relationship can
be built. Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the
way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from
it." As science has given us more information
about the brain, it has also affirmed the wisdom of
Scripture.
Thanks to the research and principles provided by Josh
McDowell Ministries.
by C.F.
"Kim" Kimbeling, Jr., D.Min.
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