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Everyone
has experienced it. You go to dine in your favorite
restaurant, to enjoy the company of your family and
eat your favorite food. The atmosphere is relaxing and
peaceful. You have waited all week for this
evening to come and now it is finally here. You just
want to sit back and enjoy it. Then, at the
table next to yours is seated a family with adorable
looking children. You smile politely as they sit down
to their menus. But, after a few minutes you begin to
realize that those adorable looking children do not
act so adorably. They banter loudly back and forth
with each other, bang their eating utensils on the
table, and talk back hateful to their parents. They do
not seem to care who they disrupt. You become
exasperated because your pleasant evening at best has
become tolerable. Sound familiar?
Believe
it or not, children want discipline. They want to know
the rules and the consequences of their behavior.
According to Drs. Doty and Berman in "Shaking the
Family Tree", rules are like walls--they set
limits to a space. If a child walks down a dark
hallway with walls that are too close, he will try to
push against them. If the walls are too far
apart, he will feel fearful and insecure. The
walls need to give a zone of comfort, not too close
and not too far apart.
The
first step in discipline is to define the rules and
the consequences of not following those rules.
Ideally, the parents should discuss together the rules
and consequences they feel are appropriate for their
children. It is very important for BOTH parents
to agree on the rules and consequences to help their
children consistently follow them. If parents don't
agree, they may begin to undermine the other's
authority, which results in the child learning
"who to go to", to get what they want. This
creates a great manipulator!
Next,
the parents should discuss with the entire family, the
rules and the consequences so that everyone
understands them. A chart may be used to list
the rules and consequences for the family. Place the
chart in a conspicuous place for all family members to
observe, such as the refrigerator.
To
make discipline work, it is important to note that a
basic principle is to use the lowest level of
discomfort to get the job done. Consistency in
discipline is far more important that the severity of
the punishment. If the consequence does not produce
the desired result the first time, step up the penalty
a little bit. For any discipline method to work, it
must make the child uncomfortable. Hebrews 12:11
says, "No discipline seems pleasant at the
time, but painful. Later on, however, it
produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for
those who have been trained by it."
Let's
look at some effective methods of discipline that you
as a parent can put in your "toolbox":
Talking
it out.
Good communication skills are an absolute necessity
for the parent's toolbox. Parents need to be able to
communicate clearly with their child. Matthew 5:37 and
James 5:2 state that you should "simply let
your 'Yes' be 'Yes' and your 'No' be 'No.'"
James 1:9 says, "Everyone should be quick to
listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."
Praise
and Ignore.
This technique works best for younger children and
should be used when offenses do not cause harm to self
or others. Instead of focusing on the negative
things children do and giving them negative attention,
you wait until they do something positive and offer
praise. This will help them focus on getting your
attention by doing positive things.
Natural
and Logical Consequences.
This approach allows children to make their own
decisions and to experience the consequences of making
bad choices. If a child does not want to wear
his coat at recess when it is cold, the natural
consequence will probably be that the child catches a
cold. If the parents do not mind a sick child, this
may serve as punishment enough. Luke 15:11-32
tells of the Prodigal Son. The father of this
boy allowed him to suffer the natural consequences of
his decision to take his inheritance and leave home.
The consequences of his decision included poverty and
living with pigs! When used correctly, this
method of discipline can foster the development of
decision-making skills and shift the responsibility of
problem solving to the child.
Time
out.
In this technique, children are removed from the
environment where the misbehavior occurred and are
placed in a controlled environment. This means they
are placed somewhere boring and dull that offers no
stimulation at all so that they are able to think
about their misbehavior. The ultimate Time Out
is the story of Jonah. God place Jonah in the
belly of a whale for his "misbehavior." The
belly of a whale probably was not boring, however, he
was certainly removed from his environment!
II
Thessalonians 3:14-15 states that, "If anyone
does not obey our instruction in this letter, take
special note of him. Do not associate with him,
in order that he may feel ashamed. Yet do not regard
him as an enemy, but warn him as a brother."
Spanking.
Scripture makes a strong case for spanking.
Proverbs 13:24 says, "He who spares the rod,
hates his son, but, he who loves him is careful to
discipline him." Proverbs 22:15 says "Folly
is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of
discipline will drive it far from him." It is
important to know when to and when not to use spanking
as a tool. If it is used for every infraction,
the child may be functioning in a constant state of
punishment and his need for nurturing may become
ignored. If a parent uses spanking when he or
she is angry, the danger exists for abuse to occur.
The
following questions may be helpful in determining if
spanking is an appropriate tool for a given situation:
- Is
the undesirable behavior an act of willful
disobedience?
- Is
the correction a consistent consequence for an
undesirable behavior?
- What
is your emotional state at the time of the
spanking?
- How
would your child answer the question, "Why
did you get the spanking?"
- Because
I made my parents angry.
- Because
I misbehaved.
Consistency
and the immediacy of correction increase discipline's
effectiveness. Ecclesiastes 8:11 says, "When
the sentence for a crime is not quickly carried out,
the hearts of the people are filled with schemes to do
wrong." Proverbs 22:6 gives us the certainty
that our efforts are not in vain when we discipline.
It states, "Train up a child in the way he
should go, even when he is old, he will not depart
from it."
Monica
Pevehouse, M.S.
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