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Dan was busy at his office on a Tuesday
afternoon. His Supervisor had given him
several deadlines to meet in a short amount of
time. He had four hours of work to do in two.
All of a sudden Dan stopped typing and called
his wife Laura. Dan was relieved when he heard
her answer the phone in a calm and joyful
manner. He told her how much he loved her and
she returned the compliment. Dan hung up the
phone, leaned back in his chair, and gave a
big sigh. One hour later he called again and
Laura did not answer. He kept trying the home
phone, and then the cell, but never got a
response. He called his Supervisor and told
him his wife was sick and he would come in
early in the morning and finish his work. His
Boss was not pleased, because this had
happened quite a lot in the last month, but
Dan was a good man and worker, so he would let
it go one more time.
Dan rushed home and quickly ran in the
house and there was Laura and their two
children enjoying an after school snack from a
local ice cream store. Laura was startled
because she knew Dan had a lot of work to do.
She asked him why he was already home and so
out of breath. He responded that when she did
not answer the phone that he became worried so
he came home. Laura became "quietly
angry." She knew the real reason that her
husband had come home for the fifth time in a
month. Laura had just returned home a month
ago from an inpatient treatment center for an
addiction to both alcohol and prescription
drugs. The recovery program had greatly helped
her. She was going to an AA meeting each day,
had an AA sponsor, was continuing counseling,
and was fully sober. She was able to love
herself, her husband and her children more
fully, and above all, was experiencing the
marvelous grace and love of God more than she
had ever felt previously in her life. She knew
that she had lied to Dan several times due to
her addictions, but how long would it take for
him to trust her again?
Dan was conflicted with his thoughts. On
one hand he was rejoicing over Laura’s
newfound sobriety, but how could he "let
go" after all of the lies and his feeling
of being betrayed. He sensed that Laura was
angry, but how could he begin trusting her
again?
Recovering addicts often confront the issue
of regaining the trust of a loved one after
the lies and insanity that come as a result of
an addiction. Whether it be the spouse of a
sex addict who has had affairs with either
another person, the internet, or both, the
person that has a gambling or spending
addiction, or the person dealing with alcohol
and other drugs, like the example with Dan and
Laura, the problem of regaining trust and
recovering from betrayal is potent for both
the addict and those who love them.
Broken trust does not have to be the end of
a relationship, but can be seen as a "new
beginning" of redeveloping the
relationship and making it better than it has
ever been. The process of restoring trust
involves the realization that there will often
be "two steps forward and three steps
back." This is exactly what a recovering
addict discovers in his or her own personal
journey in discovering new pathways of life
through sobriety.
One of the first things to know about
regaining trust is that it takes time. Just as
there is not "instant" recovery,
there is not "instant" regaining of
broken trust. A spouse or other family members
of a recovering addict needs to deal with
their own issues that are a result of living
in an addictive household. They need to take
time to grieve the losses they have
experienced as a result of the consequences
left behind from the addiction.
Dave Carder, in his book "Torn
Asunder" (1992) published by Moody Press,
which deals with recovery from extramarital
affairs, discusses the results of
"burying the pain alive." If a
spouse forgives too quickly it not only allows
them to avoid their own personal pain, but it
actually puts them in a position of power. If
a spouse forgives too quickly the following
things usually result: "It maintains your
innocence . . . It maintains your self-image .
. . It keeps the difficult rebuilding process
at bay. . . It gives you the upper hand
forever."
This "power" game takes the form
of the spouse being the "overseer"
or the "monitor" of the behavior of
the addict. In the case of Dan and Laura, Dan
was calling Laura to "check-up" on
her day, when he was really afraid she might
be "using" again. When
circumstantial evidence showed this might be
happening then he rushed home in a
"panicked" state to confirm his
suspicions. This type of behavior is a
"trigger" for a recovering addict to
relapse and also does not build trust but
further destroys it.
These trust/recovery destroying behaviors
can also be shown through a spouse or loved
one following the recovering person as they go
about their day. With a sex addict who is
addicted to the Internet, it is shown through
excessive monitoring of the computer on the
part of the spouse, instead of using a method
such as "Cybersitter" or "Net
Nanny" to maintain integrity on the sites
visited on a computer.
Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg, in their
book "Fighting for Your Marriage"
(2001) published by Jossey-Bass speak about
these trust blocking behaviors. "If you’ve
lost trust, recognize that you can do more
today to further damage it than to regain it.
It takes a long time to regain trust but only
a moment or two to crush it. . . Mistakes are
going to happen, but the commitment to change
must remain clear. The commitment says that
you have the time and the motivation to
rebuild trust. . . Surveillance doesn’t
increase trust. You can’t gain trust by
following your partner around every moment of
the day to make sure he or she doesn’t do
anything wrong." It is important to not
"hold over the head" of a recovering
addict their past mistakes, but for all
involved to do what they need to do to regain
health and trust in all relationships.
So where do people in these addictive
circumstances go from here? They need to
regain intimacy. The family has realized that
the whole family is a part of the dependency
problem. They have also begun to understand
that there is only one person in this world
that he or she can control and that is ones
self. All involved need to begin the painful
process of rebuilding trust and intimacy.
Intimacy is the genuine sharing of those
deepest parts of oneself. For a husband and
wife it can involve planning a "couple’s
meeting", or with the family, a regularly
scheduled "family meeting." These
meetings are not a time of attacking one
another but of sharing intimately and honestly
with one another.
Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg introduce
the concept of the Speaker/Listener technique.
This is a good model to use in encouraging
healthy discussions.
"RULES FOR BOTH OF YOU:
- The Speaker has the floor.
- Share the floor. . . At some point,
you switch roles and continue as the
floor changes hands.
- No problem solving. . . focus on
having good discussions, not trying to
come to solutions prematurely.
RULES FOR THE SPEAKER:
- Speak for yourself. Don’t try to be
a mind reader.
- Don’t go on and on.
- Stop and let the Listener paraphrase.
. . Your goal is to help the Listener
hear and understand your point of view.
RULES FOR THE LISTENER:
- Paraphrase what you hear. . . The key is
to show your partner that you are
listening by restating what you heard.
- Focus on the Speaker’s message. Don’t
rebut… As the Listener, your job is to
speak only in the service of understanding
your partner. Any words or gestures that
would show your opinion are not allowed
including making faces!"
There are many intense feelings that may be
experienced due to the circumstances involved.
Feelings of anger, hate, loneliness, and
despair are common. Carnes, Laaser, and Laaser,
share in their book for couples recovering
from sexual addiction "Open Hearts"
(1999) published by Gentle Path Press
"that the intensity of your feelings of
anger, despair and loneliness are indicators
of how much you cared for one another at one
time, if not still today. If you had never
cared about your partner, you would not be
experiencing such intense feelings at he
thought of losing one another."
A family dealing with such emotionally
charged issues need to be realistic regarding
their need to seek help from a professional
counselor if things become too intense during
this process. Remember to stay calm, gentle,
firm, yet loving as these feelings begin to
emerge.
Rebuilding trust best happens when all
involved embrace Step One of the AA Twelve
Steps: "We admitted we were powerless
over the effects of our separation from
God-that our lives had become
unmanageable." Carnes, Laaser, and Laaser,
state "we often use the words
"powerless" and
"unmanageable" when describing our
relationship. But the paradox of recovery is
that by admitting your powerlessness, you
actually take the first step toward empowering
yourself."
A recovering addict needs to continue on
their personal journey of recovery through
regularly attending 12-Step meetings,
maintaining a sponsor, and seeing a counselor
as needed. The spouse and family members of an
addict need to attend Al-Anon and maintain
reading and implementing recovery materials
such as Melodie Beattie’s "The Language
of Letting Go" (1996) published by
Hazelden.
Attending a grace-filled church and growing
in one’s relationship with God is vital in
restoring broken trust, as well as maintaining
sobriety. The love of God and the boundaries
of God need to be actively embraced in life,
as well as practiced within the family
structure.
As an addict and his or her family continue
to seek God and do their part in recovery,
then trust in one another, as well as trust in
God, will begin to grow and flourish, possibly
for the first time within the family unit. God’s
grace and love is powerful and beautiful, and
He loves everyone and desires for all to
experience His healing touch in all areas of
life.
Mike
Tuma, M.S., LPC
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