|
Infidelity, in a recent research study, was
cited as the major contributing cause in about
twenty-five percent of divorces. In my
twenty-five years as a counselor I have
observed that people who learn their spouse
has been unfaithful experience many symptoms
of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The shock
and betrayal experienced by the hurt partner
usually results in both physical and emotional
symptoms such as significant sleep
disturbances (insomnia, persistent nightmares)
fear, helplessness, poor concentration,
irritability, intrusive or distressing
thoughts or images associated with the
infidelity trauma, and exaggerated startle
response. Infidelity is a form of trauma that
impacts the wounded spouse in almost every
area---physical, emotional, and spiritual.
With recent statistics indicating a national
divorce rate of about sixty-seven percent
(John Gottman, Ph.D., 1999), it is imperative
that we look seriously at what it takes to
help a marriage survive infidelity.
Forgiveness and Trust
A misunderstanding about the relationship
between trust and forgiveness often presents a
major impediment to healing. When people fall
in love, they easily give trust as a part of
the building of the relationship. With no
evidence that their beloved is not
trustworthy, each assumes an attitude of trust
toward the other. This trust contributes to
the closeness the couple experiences. The
sense of trust and safety is enhanced and
solidified in the exchange of wedding vows to
be faithful to this one partner "so long
as (they) both shall live", allowing them
to fully invest themselves in the marriage and
in their spouse.
When the trust that was so easily given is
shattered by one partner’s infidelity
(infidelity being defined as the sharing of
sexual or non-sexual behavior with an
extramarital partner, with secrecy that
violates the explicit or implicit expectations
of the relationship." Jongsma, O’Leary,
and Heymon, 1998), a much more difficult
process of rebuilding trust must begin.
Frequently, the unfaithful partner seems
offended by the length of time the hurt
partner needs to be able to trust again and by
the effort required to regain trust. Often,
the offending spouse will interpret the hurt
spouse’s inability to quickly regain trust
as an indication of unforgiveness. " I
have said repeatedly that I am sorry---I have
promised it will never happen again---what
more can I do? S/he just won’t forgive me
and move on." is a common complaint.
Most often, the hurt partner has made a
quality decision to forgive. But forgiveness
does not automatically restore trust.
Forgiveness opens the door to regaining trust,
in the beginning of the relationship, once
shattered, can be regained only through
considerable work on the part of both spouses.
"What More Can I Do?"
Healing the pain and disillusionment of
unfaithfulness requires work and sacrifice by
both spouses. Both spouses must agree on what
will be the appropriate emotional and social
boundaries for the future, and must commit to
maintaining these boundaries with all persons
of the opposite sex except the spouse.
Partners must be able to discuss and address
potential threats to their relationship, as
well as the vulnerabilities in the
relationship that contributed to the
infidelity. It is best to do this with a
pastor or experienced marriage counselor, as
both spouses feel very vulnerable after
infidelity, and people often have vastly
differing perspectives of what is fair and
reasonable.
Hurt partners often want a great deal of
information and detail about the affair and
the extramarital partner. While many hurt
partners in healing marriages later state
regret about having demanded so much detail
(s/he has to live with this knowledge for the
rest of his/her life), it is important that
their requests for information be honored
completely and honestly.
The unfaithful partner must demonstrate
willingness to allow the hurt partner to
objectively test and verify his/her current
and future behavior in order to establish a
sense of security on which to rebuild trust.
This may include the hurt partner verifying
the unfaithful partner’s whereabouts at any
given time, having complete access to all
financial records (including the monthly
statements from cell phone bills, individually
held and joint credit card statements,
individual and joint bank accounts,
investments,
retirement funds, and assets). Such fact
checking is a necessary part of regaining
trust and it is important that the offending
spouse not attempt to dissuade the hurt
partner from checking up on him or her. (Jongsma,
O’Leary and Heyman, 1998) While this degree
of fact checking may seem unnecessary or
intrusive to the unfaithful partner, the fact
is that if there are no secrets, there is no
need for secrecy. The unfaithful spouse has
created fear in his/her partner. Encouraging
the hurt spouse to do whatever checking and
validating s/he needs to do to feel safe in
the relationship is evidence of taking
responsibility for the infidelity and
ministering to the needs of the hurt spouse so
that reconciliation can mend the wounded
family.
Healing the effects of infidelity is an
enormous task, but the fruits of the couple’s
efforts will reward them. The process outlined
in this article is actually a skeletal look at
a larger process which includes each partner
learning to demonstrate empathy, learning to
help meet the other’s emotional needs, and
taking small steps of faith which ultimately
will restore their sense of unity. God bless
you as you work on your marital issues and
reconciliation.
Arlene
Creswell, M.H.R., LPC
|