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Growing
up as a teenager in the late 1950's and early 1960's
the primary reasons to abstain from sex were the fear
of pregnancy and the belief that it was a sin to have
sex outside of marriage. This thinking was generally
embraced by the culture however the reality of the
behavior matching the thinking could be challenged.
In the 1960's and 1970's there was a major swing in
the thinking of the culture concerning sex. "Free
love" was in with the Hippie movement. Looking back,
it was not free and it was definitely not love. In a
campus newspaper, a Christian group ran a cartoon
strip where two college coeds were talking. The first
coed stated, "I believe sex before marriage is
perfectly fine as long as it is a lasting, loving
relationship." The second coed replied, "So do I. Why,
I've had three lasting, loving relationships this
month." "Recreational" or "casual" sex appears to be
the norm in the media and the idea of waiting until
marriage is seldom portrayed as an option.
A number of years ago, Dr. Henry Brandt, a
psychologist, was speaking to some teachers in a large
Christian organization. He made the statement that
"flesh against flesh is pleasurable." Josh McDowell in
his presentation to high school and college students
often states that when it is between hormones and the
Holy Spirit, hormones often win. Our world and our
bodies resist postponement of gratification and desire
and often scream to be satisfied.
There are many Christian authors that address this are
well. Any Christian bookstore will have a number of
books. Perhaps it is best to first look in the
scriptures. I Thessalonians 4:3-6 gives us insight.
"It is God's will that you should be holy; that you
should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you
should learn to control his own body in a way that is
holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the
heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter
no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of
him." (NIV)
This passage teaches that sex is not something to be
regarded lightly. It is a wonderful gift of God. It is
holy. As such, it is set apart for a divine purpose
and is greatly valued. It is an expression of love and
intimacy. It should be invested wisely as opposed to
lustfully used. God certainly isn't against passion
but he doesn't want it to be used to defraud another.
That is this should be a gift given to another rather
than using another to serve one's own desires. Like
any of God's gifts, sex can be used in the way it
intended, to build and strengthen intimacy or it can
be used in a self serving way.
I like the guidelines given by Cloud and Townsend
concerning sex in their book Boundaries in Dating:
" You need a boundary against sex outside of marriage.
God gives you this boundary to protect you, and it
will, in a number of ways.
" Sex has a very high purpose, great value, dignity
and esteem. Do not treat it or your sexuality lightly,
failing to give it the place it deserves.
" Sex is the highest way of expressing romantic love
for a person; therefore it must be reserved for the
highest romantic relationship you will have - the one
with your spouse.
" Keeping your sexual boundaries will let you know of
the other person's self control, delay of
gratification, ability to love sacrificially, and
willingness to submit to God.
" Do not act out of lust. It prevents love,
integration and healing and it guarantees relational
problems.
" No matter what your partner says, saying no to sex
will be the only way for you to find out what he or
she is like when he or she has to respect a limit.
" God's forgiveness is available to anyone, no matter
what you have done. It will allow you to have a clean
slate and start over with good sexual boundaries. (p.
256)
So often couples use sex as a way to feel intimate.
But true intimacy occurs in many areas, social,
emotional, intellectual, etc. When there is pain in
one of those areas, rather than address the pain and
work through to understanding and intimacy, they will
"sex down" their pain only to discover the problem and
barriers to intimacy have not gone away. Sometimes
this discovery comes after marriage when it is more
difficult to address the core issues of intimacy.
God is so kind. He desires the best for us and in
spite of what our culture says or our own desires
scream, His guidelines are for our benefit. We may not
be innocent but we can be clean as we follow his
instruction drawing from his love and grace.
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