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The issue
of sexuality in the stepfamily recalls the childhood
story of The Emperor's New Clothes. The Emperor chose
to ignore the reality that he was clad only in his
underwear. Adults who remarry often ignore the reality
of sexual attraction between stepsiblings and even
between stepparents and stepchildren. The thoughts in
this article are gleaned from Positive Discipline for
Your Stepfamily.
Couples who remarry lack the privacy afforded by first
marriages. They don't have the option of openly
expressing intimate affection absent an inquisitive
audience. One precocious three year old grabbed his
dad's hand and dragged him towards the bathroom
saying, "Come on Dad, Meg (his new stepmother) 's
taking a shower! Sexual energy may be pervasive in the
stepfamily and little folks will be very aware, but
will need assistance in discussing such a sensitive
subject. The rule of thumb is that affectionate
touching and hugging are great around the children and
sexual contact is saved for behind closed doors.
Nelsen, Erwin and Glenn offer five common sense
suggestions:
1. Address the issue directly. If you get a hint that
your children might be attracted to each other or to
one of you, don't discount your perception. Invite
your children to ask you questions and notice their
responses. Let your kids know that it's okay to ask
questions.
2. Be aware of touch. From the time they are very
young, children should be taught that they control
their bodies and have the right to refuse
uncomfortable touch. They need to practice saying,
"Stop! I don't like that." It is probably wise for the
stepparent to let the child know that they are open to
hugs, but allow the child to initiate the contact. It
is helpful when family members agree to honor anyone's
request to "Please stop!"
3. Demonstrate firm boundaries with children. If
children behave in ways that feel uncomfortable to you
or if they display inappropriate touch, it is
important that you let them know in a manner that is
both firm and kind. If you don't you will be building
distance and discomfort into your relationship. Speak
to them gently and specifically so they are assured
that you appreciate their affection and they know how
to show it in an acceptable manner.
4. Use the family meeting format to openly discuss
comfort zones so everyone can feel safe and respected.
It is important to begin by communicating as a couple
to understand your individual preferences and beliefs.
When you're ready to include your children you may
explore topics such as bathroom behavior, entering
rooms and appropriate attire. A useful guideline is
that everyone has the right to feel respected and ask
for what they need.
5. If you need help, consult a professional. If the
family doesn't know how to talk about sexual behavior
calmly, that's okay, too. There are lots of things
that people don't know. When you invest in getting
what you need, you are investing in the future of your
entire family.
"Physical closeness and affection can be among the
best parts of being a family---when they happen in the
right way. It's normal to feel a little uncomfortable
with new family members, especially at the beginning.
Remember that respect and sensitivity now will pave
the way for warmth and closeness as you grow
together."
Nelsen, Jane, Erwin, Cheryl, and Glenn, H. Positive
Discipline for Your Stepfamily. Roseville, CA: Prima,
2000. 220-221.
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