Trust in a marriage begins with commitment and trust relies on the ability of each partner to make and keep a promise.  Trust then becomes the foundation on which a solid relationship is built. Trust, when we have it in a marriage, can sometimes be taken for granted. When trust is broken, we realize how precious it is and how difficult it is to rebuild.

Two elements that seem to be important in a marriage are predictability and dependability. We need to be able to predict each other's behavior with a certain sense of reliability.  We need to feel safe with our partner and know that for the most part their behavior is consistent. That helps build trust.

We also need to be able to rely upon each other. We want to know that our partner is available to us when we need him or her. We want our partner to keep agreements, respect our boundaries, and cherish us.  We want our partner to be able to make and keep promises. We need the person we have chosen to spend the rest of our lives with to be dependable.

Reality tells us that we are all human.  We all make mistakes no matter how hard we try not to make them.  At some point, in many marriages, trust becomes an issue. What happens when trust is broken? Is there hope? Can trust be rebuilt?  Let's look at three steps that can facilitate the rebuilding of trust.

The first step may seem too simplistic, but I feel it is essential.  Both partners must make a conscious decision that they want to trust and to be trusted. Rebuilding trust is a process and, depending on how the trust was broken, can be long and difficult.  So we go back to commitment. Commitment to persevere through whatever it takes to rebuild trust. The partner who has betrayed trust faces being accountable in ways that were not necessary in the past. There must be a willingness to do whatever it takes to give their spouse the opportunity to trust again.

The partner who feels offended also plays a very important role. That partner must be willing to receive the changes that the other partner is making. This can also be very difficult. When we have been hurt, we are often reluctant to risk being hurt again. If we do not risk though, healing will never have the opportunity to take place.  Both partners must be willing to examine the part they played in the breakdown of trust.  Each must take whatever personal responsibility is necessary and seek reconciliation within the marriage.

The second step involves both partners making sure that all issues involving the loss of trust are dealt with so they can no longer hinder the marriage.  These issues may be very obvious or they may not.  Often there are other issues behind the presenting problem. Issues from one's past may have been triggered by what happened in the marriage.  For example, fears of abandonment or of being engulfed by a parent as a child may resurface. These may have lain dormant for a long time but were never really addressed. Old issues must be faced, resolved, and forgiven so that the partner may get on with life.  It may require professional Christian counseling to do this, but it is essential to the well being of the individual and the marriage.

The third step is the recommitment of both partners to the original promise they made on their wedding day.  At one point in time each married couple stands before God and enters into a covenant.  That covenant involves intimacy, openness, tenderness, respect, appreciation, and self-sacrifice. That covenant furnishes each partner with a kind of security, permanency, and stability that one does not find anywhere else in the world outside of our relationship with God.  That covenant is the most intimate and personal of all human relationships and stands only next to our relationship to Christ in importance.  That covenant is lived out as two people commit to a life of truthfulness and honesty with one another.  It is a commitment of making and keeping promises till death do us part.

When we are not trustworthy, truthful, and reliable, we find ourselves not keeping promises. We verbalize a promise, and yet for it to be trustworthy, our words must be backed up by our consistent and honest behavior. When this does not happen the result is a loss of trust.

Today we live in a society where being honest and trustworthy is not always easy.  Many people put a low priority on truthfulness and keeping promises. Often it is easy to rationalize why we fall down in these areas.  It may all look good on paper, but the reality is that it devastates a marriage.  Lies and broken promises separate marriage partners and break the foundation of the relationship. The wisdom of Proverbs emphasizes the importance of honesty and truthfulness in 12:19 which says, "Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment." and 30:8 which says, "Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty or riches, but give me only my daily bread."  Promises have a way of defining our relationships.  When our partner makes and keeps promises, we learn that this is a person we can trust.

If honesty is an issue for you, try these suggestions. Daily in prayer commit yourself to being truthful and trustworthy throughout that day. Make this a one day at a time commitment.  Renew it daily. Ask God through the work of His Holy Spirit in your life to convict you when you begin to stray from your commitment.

Commit to a no tolerance policy toward dishonesty in your life and ask God to help you keep that policy.  Look to be a part of a men's Promise Keepers group in your church.  Become a part of an accountability group through a Bible study, support group, or men's or women's fellowship group. Take the issue of honesty seriously and you will never regret it.

The marriage relationship is designed to provide safety and protection for the husband and the wife.  As we make and keep promises, we lay a foundation that is reliable and unchanging even in the face of unpredictable events and circumstances. Fear is no longer a factor. A strong and healthy relationship is built and trust is generated.

C.F. "Kim" Kimberling, Jr. D.Min.

(Thanks to Dr. James Osterhaus and his work Questions Couples Ask which deals in part with the question "What Would It Take For You To Trust Me?".