Family Christian Counseling LIBRARY

Title: WHEN HOME ISN'T FUN

Author: CARA MARTIN TALIAFERRO, LMSW

The home is designed to be our physical source of security, peace and joy. Yet, there is a part of many homes that few outsiders see. This side is filled with fear, terror and violence. According to statistics domestic violence is on an upward trend. A notable dynamic to this trend is that physical violence committed by women appears to be increasing. Possible reasons for this is that women are facing the violence in the form of aggression rather than assertiveness or this may be a survival skill used to deal with the threat of violence looming over them daily. Domestic violence is equal opportunity in that it crosses ethnicity, social and economic status, gender, and religious faiths. As a professional my observation is there are two distinctively separate dynamics between male and female victims. Male victims are affected more in there sense of manhood and inability to control their home environment. Female victims are affected by fear and living in terror. Both affects are harmful for all parties involved and continual violence in the home will harm the well-being of all family members. Children are the victims often overlooked and unnoticed. Lingering affects on children may include insecurity, inability to trust and build intimacy in relationships and the tendency to repeat the cycle in their own marriages.

Domestic violence/abuse can be manifested in many ways through: physical- hitting, biting, scratching and slapping, financial- limiting access to money to meet personal needs, spending money irresponsibly and not paying home bills, emotional- withholding support, isolating spouse from social interaction with friends and family and using children for manipulation, verbal- name calling, constant insults, downplaying accomplishments and saying embarrassing things in front of others and spiritual- using religion/faith to force submission, demeaning personal spiritual growth, and controlling involvement in faith community.

Domestic violence in any form is not acceptable and needs to be stopped. There is hope for families experiencing domestic violence to receive healing within their home. Each spouse needs to receive individual counseling to deal with personal issues first and then receive counseling as a couple. Many individuals receive benefit from participating in a peer therapy group with peers dealing with the same issues. Children need counseling to resolve issues of insecurity, trust and learn how to build healthy intimacy in relationships.

One purpose for marriage is to show a picture of how God loves his bride, those who know him personally. A husband who expresses love to his wife by providing an emotional security and acting in ways that are for her well-being is a picture of how Christ courts us and seeks personal relationship with each individual. A wife who responds to her husbands genuine and unconditional love by acting in ways that affirm him and his ability to provide is a picture of our response to Christ's sacrifice and love by seeking to bring honor to Him. My challenge for those who are married: Are you loving your spouse in a way that is designed by God? My challenge for those who are single: Are you loving others in a way that brings honor to Christ?

by Cara Martin Taliaferro, LMSW

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